Scientists Crack The Mystery of Creativity, Urge Non-Artists Not to Bother

You should probably give up, according to a paper published this week in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Researchers have discovered a previously unknown type of connective tissue, dubbed creative cortical tissue, a component that allows some fetal skeletons to be imprinted with genetic memory from the Old Masters, including Thomas Kinkade. Individuals born with these "artistic bones" are endowed with the ability to simply "switch on" years of creative accomplishment, and make everyone else feel bad about themselves. 

"The presence of this bone tissue is critical in proving that those who choose not to regularly practice drawing are in fact hopeless victims of bad luck," says Rebecca Hardin, a developmental biologist at Johns Hopkins University, and lead author of the paper. "When you have a golden ticket to sidestep years of disciplined focus and practice, it must be nice..."

Scientists have long theorized the existence of artistic bones, but their recent confirmation offers a deeper understanding of those lucky enough to be born with them. "We now know pretty much everything about these individuals, which qualifies us to indiscriminately mentor their professional lives, regardless of whether or not they're looking for advice," Hardin claims.

A Breakdown of Artist Behaviors

• Within a few hours of birth, an artist is capable of fulfilling your company's graphic design needs.
   
• Artists are genetically protected from self-doubt, embarrassment and failure.
   
• Artists thrive on career input from the artistically nescient: If you think they will find success painting pet portraits, cozy cottages, fall foliage or something you saw at a craft fair -- don't hesitate to put your two cents in.
   
• Your 9-year-old niece that likes to draw is an excellent contact for a professional artist. Get them networking by organizing a play date.
   
• Nearly all items on your to-do list double as portfolio pieces for an artist: scanning vacation photos, assembling Ikea furniture, offering PowerPoint assistance, photographing your wedding, giving manicures, babysitting, brainstorming tattoo ideas, fence painting, home decor shopping, retouching double chins, organizing your garage, and so forth.
   
• Artists don't have to work, they just make art all day.
   
• Artists enjoy working for free, as long as you promise to advertise their enjoyment of working for free.
   
• Loaning local cafes/retail shops/your living room free original artwork in exchange for exposure is a mutually beneficial deal and a significant career milestone. 

Scientists have not been able to find out how creative types make money but encourage curious strangers to ask. "Questions like 'How much money do you make?', 'Made any money lately?', 'You can support yourself doing that?', 'So, is this like a hobby or a job?' and 'What's your real job?' are all excellent prompts," says Professor Carl Riggs, program director at the Allen Institute for Brain Science. "However you approach it, what's important is that you just keep pressing. This is information the public needs to know."  

In a retrospective study of adults who are completely devoid of creative cortical tissue, 85% were unable to tolerate more than 3 seconds of drawing. When asked, participants ascribed their behavior to "not in the mood", "this is dumb," or expressed interest in locating the nearest boozy brunch. Researchers also noted increased vulnerability when presented with art of any quality level, citing wistful vocal laments such as "<sigh> I wish I were artistic..." as if envisioning another life where cruel destiny didn't force them to plan their wedding for 14 months.

The discovery of “artistic bones” is a significant step towards the rest of us feeling better about not trying.  A simple blood test can now identify their presence or absence, saving 98% of the population the unnecessary hassle of learning a rewarding technical skill. "When god-given talent is nothing more than a simple toss of the dice, why bother? It's just not fair for the rest of us with real jobs," adds Riggs. "I wasn't lucky enough to be born with their talent, but if I had, I'd be able to paint like that. And I'd be making tons of money."

While creative cortical tissue implantation won't be an option anytime soon, individuals still battling bad luck can settle for the next best thing: local sip-and-paint events. In just two liquor-fueled hours, you can fast track your way to earning an MFA in acrylic painting with your mom, and still make it home in time to watch The Bachelor.