DOMINANCE.  SUSPICION.  ONE-OF-A-KIND SHOPPING EXPERIENCES.

Welcome to the worst place ever...

Old Jojoba is the premiere final destination for trance-driven shopping, dining, survival and more. With 5.7 million miles of clammy mixed-use corridors, thousands of natural spirits and a minor rat problem, we're committed to exploring your overblown consumption needs. Crawl in and discover greasy stall treasures, catch a concept funeral, or simply take a wrong turn and witness sleazy goblins fight to the death.

BREATHLESS DINING

Be casual. Splash pork on your face. Get lost in 15 years of shrimp. And did we mention the shrimp? The best bars, restaurants, and cafes await your belly in Old Jojoba. One bite and there's no denying the essence of sour stuff is captured in every warm river tasting.

THE DUMP IS CALLING…

Rock-cut chambers and passageways bursting with excrement set the stage for unparalleled shopping. With over 200 must-see boutiques and shops, the time to stuff your pockets is now. Hungry dogs rule the marketplace and are happy to watch your little ones while you shop.

SAY HELLO TO COLD SWEATS

Encounter a new release of life with our collection of fitness and spa rituals. Slip into a hot poultry cave where your nails can be removed and neatly labeled. Relax as an experienced priest traps you in old roots for 300 years. Complement your workout with a high-octane buffalo pit that will simply leave you in diapers. Discover the wonder of Old Jojoba punishment: the confusion will be felt for days.

INSPIRED TRAPS

For those seeking permanent entrapment, we offer realm-class residential units and storage properties, all ready to collapse and perfect for jumping off. Whether you're looking for a luxury townhouse or just a little hole to befoul, there’s an interminable contract for everyone.

TRY TO ESCAPE

Ready for a pretty good time? Set sail for a magical place where soft paper bags tighten and relax in a pool of motor oil. Watch sweet rats and spiders crawl over corncobs as they burst into flames and “never come back.” Or just take the time to die under the stars. Find out why locals agree – whatever’s moving in that trash can, is as authentic as it gets.

Old Jojoba has something to seduce even the most disruptive customer. We're currently open and under investigation for unimportant reasons. For more information, please read this again.

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KENO PAVILION
MACHO, JustLikeThat
throbhog@mycoolwebsite.rip
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Will new stores be opening soon?

Yes! Old Jojoba, a joint venture between Clurmsilk Property Group, Bloadloap LLC, Towlsour Media, and Bub-Gel Partners, continues to undergo a multi-year development adding to its already extraordinary lineup of retail and dining experiences, entertainment destinations, and residential spaces. The exciting expansion has received preliminary approval to threaten all wildlife and excavate more than 250,000 new passages and peepholes for potential tenants, with more being decided by public vomiting. Passersby have begun to notice a team of evil spirits moving house-to-house with plenty of working pens to secure enough soul contracts to support the construction. Stay tuned for new arrivals!

Is this place appropriate for millenials?

Absolutely! Old Jojoba is crawling with authentic fantasies that look exactly like everyone else's. In fact, our core business strategy is built on scraping together once-modern aesthetics into useless potpourri that millenials demand. We do NOT generate billions in annual revenue and none of our retailers are well-known, or even insured. We don't even know what tablecloths are. Understanding your shared-experience needs is our utmost concern and we employ the finest hidden webcams to tell the story of you. From storm-battered shack rentals to DIY drug raids, you'll never be alone... Additionally, members of the 1982+ Club® will receive an exclusive tender clam loaf at every vendor they visit.

What about boomers?

Of course! We can't get enough of elderly parents, or their emotional baggage. Our absentee staff is ready and responsive to challenge their innumerable demands and provide general discomfort. They'll feel right at home wandering aimlessly through our labyrinth, wondering why no one cares.

I cannot find my husband. Is he in there?

Who? ... just kidding! He's here. From baddies to goofballs, there's a special mansperience waiting for everyone. Imagine a world of comfy couches, pan flutes, all-beef diet accomodations -- and that's just the beginning. Enjoy some "me time" as you explore new objects like jars, and live mice. Or cool off in a nearby prison cell and share deck-building tips with new pals. OLD JOJOBA is ranked as one of the fastest-growning man-ceremony providers. One look at our "Big Sweet Man" menu, and it's almost inconceivable he'd ever return to you. Want to know hubby's secret? There's only one way to find out..

What is your stroller and carriage policy?

We throw them in the river.

What should I wear during my visit?

Keep in mind that Old Jojoba has many rocky uneven surfaces with ghouls peeping out from every crevice. For your own protection, it’s a good idea to blend in with locals. The following is just a sample of popular styles you’ll see in Old Jojoba:

• A wrap made of sweet kiss honey fabric that attaches to the backbone and covers the arms (to the pimples) and legs (past the first set of bunions)
• A hooded loincloth
• Big muscly sleeves with leather wounds and tick bites
• Wedding dresses boiled in liquor
• A droopy bathrobe half blown apart by a storm with rough flaky legs
• Wimples
• Wrinkled meat pots, or filthy old curtains sewn into skimpy dresses and so on
• A bearskin smock with sawed off booties
• Maybe a dog or something ripped off a corpse
• 10 pounds of priest’s hair, loosely draped around your beef cakes
• Bandages and ointment to keep your skin from turning to meat
• Fun, flirty bangle charms like mama-to-be tears, rags, and “little things” that make all the difference
• Insanely motivating crab pouches that pop-up overnight
• Peat bog mud that can be smeared underneath other clothing
• Miniature khaki shorts dangling from your armpits are a good choice

Please note: If you are visiting during chilly months, we recommend you bring plenty of candles to stay warm, as we will pluck you hairless to make brooms for use cleaning our drafty, modest accommodations. Clothing that smells like old grinders is permitted in most venues, although some may require you sleep on the floor with pigs.

Do you offer gift cards?

Yes! We offer physical gift cards in any denomination. We also have the ability to steal gift cards provided we have enough information as to their whereabouts. Another option is to cut them into tiny pieces while you cry. If you refuse to participate for some reason, you will most likely be charged for the excavation of a new grave and promptly asked by security to prepare for your execution date. In lieu of a proper funeral, we can issue relatives a one-time-use only Corpse Odor Card®, which can be used toward a future cleaning service of their choice. Please note that next of kin must attach a JUB3 form to all foul mess piles and promise that they are free of ghosts, general bad stuff, and curses.

Who manages this site?

Just a little bejeweled schnitzel, all alone in the woods...

WHO MANAGES THIS SITE?

Just a little bejeweled schnitzel, all alone in the woods...

INFO

┤└ ¬ ╪ │─┴
KENO PAVILION
MACHO, just like that
40.$0703

You gotta write:
throbhog@mycoolwebsite.rip

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♦ FYI: All images in this website are pretty extreme ♦