BIG FITNESS GOBLIN is a WORLD-CLASS, NO-WUSS, SOUL-DEVOURING training facility. It's probably the best one. Whether you're looking to batter your life, burn some books, or just get nailed to the wall, you're gonna get an ANAL FISSURE here. PROMISED. Classes are volatile and irresponsible. Expect 100% DISTRESS. We have 6 squalid basements full of garbage and rats and the doors are permanetly sealed with garbage bags full of rats. Damp pits available for all your pervy workouts. NO EXCUSES. We accept all types, including big sweet men.

RISKY WAYS TO JOIN

1. CHANT:

Repeat the magical phrase: "I'm going away in this jug of Muscle Milk, and I'll never come back."

2. OFFERING:

Place the following treat under the stairs on a scrap of velvet:

☻ 3 drops of blood
☻ some Shepherd's Pie
☻ an old thong you don't mind ruining

3. SULK:

Dig a hole for 9 days straight, climb in and brood over your divorce until a door appears. Yep, that door's for YOU -- go on in!

4. FORCED PAYMENT:

Purchase your membership online: receive a midnight summons and a complimentary forehead scorch mark for only $259.37

TOUR OUR FACILITY: