“And then there’s that little scrap of diaper you only think about late at night when the house is dark and quiet and you got no problems...”
“I was a subhuman drunk living off deer ticks and toothpaste in the streets of Philly.”
“When the spirits of our beloved pets come back, they often look for a host to inhabit, like your Dad’s Buick, or a bag of old golf balls.”
“Don’t want your back kisses, never did. Okay?”
“Find a safe place and fill it with a squirt of cream cheese.”