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JOJOBA JUICY BUREAU
X-Ray Images Reveal Advanced LED Light Shows, Beat-Synchronized Seismic Activity, Cosmic Ice Luge, Earth abandons Global Warming Research, Focuses on Dazzling Future
★★★☆☆
PUMPICOPYS, OJ — Just when you thought the world sux so bad, mad cool aliens showed up with the healing powers of dubstep, throwing serious shade on everyone's favorite ass clown — global warming. A dirty mix of block rockin' beats crushed previously jacked-up surface temps, and told sea levels to chill the fuck out. Millions have promised to axe their Roach Raid habits and fossil fuel trix, due to mad respek for permafrost. In a press statement, the president announced that sea garbage sux, and tix to the extraterrestrial bromance treaty and bomb-ass LED show are sold out. Because YOLO.
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