Love, love, LOVE Daddy’s Alabama Hut! It’s hard to find a hut that’s as passionate about daddies as they are. Hubby says they were very gentle with him, he only got lost once, and he really enjoyed using the ATM. They gave him a Brazilian (it looks absolutely PERFECT!) that was well worth the money. He came home smelling amazing. If you’re wondering why I only gave them a 3-brick rating, it’s because his scalp, neck, and arms were covered in tar, and I’m still scrubbing it out of the carpet a week later.

In hindsight, I don't know how I got there or if it was even real, but I recently popped in Terry's Eat-In Ruins to see what all the buzz was about. It's hidden in a real construction site and it was very cool to see how they built stuff before 3D printers. The entrance was basically a muddy tunnel surrounded by idling bulldozers, which was terrifying, but it didn't take too long to crawl in. The main dining room was cold with lots of tapestries on the walls, and dogs making a mess everywhere, especially on the tables.

I struggle with walking, but fortunately the staff was kind enough not to stare, and just told everyone I was poor. The food was a ripoff. The lamb was stale and dusty inside. The napkins were worse. I'm not joking. I would have preferred to order a roast dinner, but I messed up and got stuck with a wet dinner. And the dogs... I was so fed up with their bulgy eyes, and their tongues flapping around. The website really should have said something about mandatory shared plates with animals because when I refused I was escorted out, twice, and told to "GET A LIFE." At one point my waiter went through a little door, locked it behind him, and never came back. Someone said he was an obnoxious ghost that drowned years ago, so I extensively looked it up, and let me just say, it's VERY true. Believe me, if I ever see his face again, it would be a mildly weird experience and I don't know how I'd recover. The coffee was OK. Three people got smart and left before I called it quits, and I'm sad to say they were taken down to a dungeon.

Later I found a cabinet full of pork scones, so that was neat. This was about the time the staff told me, in a professional way, that I had contracted head lice from the dog I was dining with, and that they simply couldn't wait for me to leave. I was given a normal (sort of) keychain then ushered out the door so fast I almost threw up.

It's difficult to put trust in weird things but this place was beautiful. So much to see. Truly one of a kind and really very, very amazing. I left crying and I now understand why. I can't wait to bring my friends and I hope to walk again in the not too distant future.

I’m not an avid JUBBY reviewer but I had to give Big Fitness Goblin Gym 5 bricks! I just took my 1st Swollen Garbage Mound class. Having never encountered a swollen garbage mound before, seeing one up close scared the BEJESUS outta of me! But I just put on my big-boy pants and slowly worked my way in. It was fantastic -- crunchy but still kind of soft. The coach was great and very sweaty. I still can’t seem to find the exit though, so I guess I'll just sign up for a Razor Carcass class while I'm here.

Leech Hauz Spa can best be described through a room-by-room summary of its shabby facilities during my recent visit.

1. Reception: Let me start out by saying, when I first arrived, I got bad vibes. In fact, I wanted to die. However, the concierge gave me a gorgeous pouch containing slippers, a disposable G-string, and a chocolate to nibble on, which was a very nice special touch.

2. Soft Feelings Chamber: In the Soft Feelings Chamber, I was gently blotted with fresh baby wipes and led to a balcony where a marriage proposal was taking place. I don't know if it was real or CGI, but it looked very romantic, and I stayed long enough to watch it loop six times. I have to say, it'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

3. Forced Tub-Play Ceremony: As someone who has taken MANY afternoon baths, I know how to have a relaxing, nice experience, and I was eager to meet my tub-mate. I found an old man, in ceremonial goblin makeup, pleasurably nestled in the jacuzzi, lighting candles. He winked and offered me a plate of sensory donuts, but due to special FX, they disappeared. How cool! The water smelled like gas and old potatoes, but it wasn't a big problem for me. Conversations were topnotch. Soon the tub was alive with tales of big soft angels and tips on how to vacuum up mice. I could tell he was simply a fun guy, and loved what he did. Later we shared a blanket and ordered some beers. Neat place. Wish I had taken a photo. Or a few risks...

Comment from JUBBYSUX of LEECH HAUZ SPA

(wait, I wasn't finished) cont.:

4. Damp Path to Indulgence: In a dark passageway, an unknown presence busied itself around me. I heard whispers. Wet, viscid sounds. And my name. Clearly, some thing wanted to play, and finding the exit was suddenly my priority. Groping blindly at the walls, I flipped a light switch, and came face-to-face with my tormentor: a creepy psychic eating guacamole from an old Cole Hahn shoe. She pressed a spoonful to my lips. With her soft and encouraging invitation to "experience the wonder..." the lights went out, and I surrendered. I shudder to think how many bites I swallowed...

5. Drainage Ritual: Deep pampering began with a special tasting of forbidden elixir: sumptuous mushroom suspended in a bag of Arbor Mist. I've had better. And the hot yak lard wrap I was promised, well, it never happened. Instead, I was slathered in medical-grade shortening, and a warm milk and chia seed cocktail was firmly injected into my body to motivate sublime drainage. Before I knew it, I was in a luxe recovery stall, rolling in feathers and straw, just the way nature intended.

The ritual finale was out of this world! With hot candle wax dripped directly onto my anus, I tapped into a divine state of physical pain and desperation. What a rush! One hell of a rage-chant surged through me as I screamed, "O BLESSED FARM-TO-TABLE, HYPER-LOCAL WINDS OF SERENITY, CLEANSE THIS FOUL SACK-PIG!" I emerged feeling smooth, spoiled, and drenched in onion-scented lotion.

6. Man Sauna: At first, the drying meats and grains suggested a smokehouse, but I was repeatedly assured I was indeed in the Man Sauna, and that the interior was simply overdue for a scheduled renovation. It had blackened walls, no windows, and a smoldering barrel-fire sat in the center of the room. I'm pretty sure someone was using a dried ham as a bench. Several blobby men were strewn over the hot traprock floor, arguing over the bathroom key. By hour two, they were violently rocking the barrel back and forth, and with a scream, the aforementioned gentleman slipped from the ham, and fell to his death. The ham slumped and caught fire, barring the door. Had a steel sluice pipe not torn through the wall, I suspect I wouldn't be here posting on JUBBY Reviews today. As a torrent of water bore down on us, the room swelled and ruptured, and we spun out across the hallway floor in a slippery mess; our naked bodies slapping against each other like beached porpoises.

Comment from JUBBYSUX of LEECH HAUZ SPA

Just a few more notes:

7. Bathroom facilities: I was too afraid to use the bathroom. Not only was it not fresh, but when I glanced in the mirror, a reddish face appeared and I knew it wanted to massage me. I was deeply disturbed for 30 days. Also, it was very muggy, lots of mosquitos.

8. Hot Marble Studio: "Private room" sounded great until a tractor was dragging me across a slab of scorching-hot marble, alone, in just a sexy bikini bottom. I don't remember much beyond that, but I'm told mild amnesia is common after a nourishing diesel treatment of that intensity. I'd like to know whose bright idea it was to release bats from the ceiling grates; sponging my bat-bitten torso with Colt 45 in the "medical center" (the janitor's closet) was certainly an invigorating surprise.

9. Shower Room: The shower room is truly a dark, cold place where absolutely no one will ever find you. From the poorly-lit stalls came cries and moans; frightened voices called out from every side, begging for clam strips, hot dogs, and special bread. Cobwebs were everywhere. The scene was so spooky that I got cramps and had to sit down. A mop quickly goaded me into the water on all fours. Honestly, it felt a bit rushed. Regardless of how exactly it happened, my bikini bottom disappeared in the rough scrub down, but I managed to fashion a loincloth out of a rag fished from the drain.

Comment from JUBBYSUX of LEECH HAUZ SPA

Oh, I forgot to say:

10. Blissful Dimple Juicebar: So much for my complimentary dimple juice. Upon waking the cashier, she began rattling off lurid details of her sex life, post-divorce, and practically cried about her sore genitalia. She smelled like liquor, and I did NOT feel safe, but I couldn't resist hearing the raunchy story a second time. After paying the bill, we engaged in a brutal round of antagonistic "BUH-BYE"s, until she hiccupped and slumped face down on the counter. If I had known that SOURPUSS LOSER was waiting to ruin my experience, I would have just burned my wallet. I will definitely be calling management to make sure the she is sent to jail. Such a disappointment. Someone should shut this place down.

Comment from JUBBYSUX of LEECH HAUZ SPA