"WHEN I TRAVEL, I USE A SERVICE CALLED HiddenBuddy TO LINK UP WITH SMALL FOLK, GIFTED YOUTHS, AND DADS RAKING LEAVES. HIDDEN BUDDIES ARE ALL AROUND US."

"MY NEW BOYFRIEND, NICKI CUCUMBERS, IS A KIND-HEARTED REIKI-MASTER. HE WAS BORN IN A BRUSHPILE UNDER A FULL MOON. IT'S HIS DESTINY TO HEAL US."

'I HEARD A DUSTY CHICKEN WISHBONE AND SOME PEELED CUCUMBERS ARE TUCKED UNDER THE COUCH CUSHION IN SUCH A HOT WAY."

"MY SISTER GERI KEEPS CIDER IN HER HOOD. SHE JUST BITES IT TO DRINK."

"I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS: THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD, ALL FRENCH PEOPLE AND THAT OLD GUY WITH CANCER."

"I JUST POURED JELL-O ON GREG'S BROKEN BODY AND RANG A BELL. A GYPSY TOLD ME TO."

"LORI EDISON SOAPS CONTAIN ONLY THE FINEST INGREDIENTS, INCLUDING COWPEA FLOWERS, OLD SPANISH STEW, AND BREASTMILK."

"MY CATS, GOUDA, BULLDOG AND GRILLERS ARE THE NICE KIND-- SOFT, STUBBY, SURE OF THEMSELVES."

"I SIMPLY ADORE MAORI IVORY. BOTH JOYCE AND MAURY HAVE TO HIDE THEIRS FROM ME WHEN I VISIT."

"LISTEN, NURSE BRODIE HAS BAD JUJU. I HEARD SHE RAPED LOU MUFFINS THEN BROKE INTO A VET'S OFFICE AND ATE THE CLAW OFF A LOBSTER."

"ON FRIDAY NIGHTS, COCO DUDE AND I ORDER CHERRY GRINDERS AND WATCH HBO IN OUR JAMMIES."

"DID YOU KNOW THE IHOP MYTH FIRST APPEARED IN THE MIDDLE AGES AS A STORY ABOUT A BUTTERY-SMELLING COCOON FOUND ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD BY AN IRISH HOBO?"

"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW A GHOST IN OREGON IS MAKING CUBAN SANDWICHES WITH JUST A USB CABLE?!!!"

"THE NIGHT I MET MY IBERIAN BOXER, HE CRUSHED A CAPUCHIN MONKEY IN HIS BARE HANDS AND MADE LOVE TO ME FOR HOURS."

"I ASKED THE HERTZ GUY ABOUT ALL THE LOOSE HAIR IN MY CAR, BUT HE ASSURED ME IT'S AN ANCIENT INCAN HONOR TO EAT THE PONYTAIL OF A WOMAN IN HER LATE FIFTIES."

"AND THEN THERE'S THAT LITTLE SCRAP OF DIAPER YOU ONLY THINK ABOUT LATE AT NIGHT WHEN THE HOUSE IS DARK AND QUIET AND YOU GOT NO PROBLEMS..."

"GRAMMY LIKES SOFT FISH TREATS AND PISSES ON THE COUCH."

"WHEN MY GOTH COUSIN FROM OHIO TAKES XANAX WITH BEEF, HE TRANSFORMS INTO "SEADOG" AND BOOGIES ACROSS THE BASEMENT FLOOR."

"I WAS A SUB-HUMAN DRUNK LIVING OFF TOOTHPASTE AND DEER TICKS IN THE STREETS OF PHILLY."

"SO MY IDIOT SON TELLS ME THERE'S A BOGEYMAN IN HIS ROOM-- TURNS OUT MY WIFE GINA'S GOITER FLOPPED OUT OF HER NIGHTGOWN AND SLAPPED HIM ON THE CHEEK WHILE SHE WAS TUCKING HIM IN."

"EVERYDAY, MY LIFE COACH, JORDAN, BATHES ME IN A TANK OF ORGANIC HERBS AND RISOTTO, WHILE WE WATCH THIS DOCUMENTARY ON PRUNE HARVESTING. IT'S ALL SO CALI."

'CHRIS, CAN YOU PLEASE NOT SHUDDER EACH TIME I MENTION MY MICRO-COLON?!"

"I CAN'T KEEP JUDITH OUT OF THE KFC BARREL ON THE BACK PORCH. HER BLOUSE ISCOVERED IN BISCUITS."

"<SIGH> JUST ANOTHER LONELY SATURDAY NIGHT, NUKING A BOWL OF MR. CHOW'S PEPPER STEAK, AND POLISHING MY BROOCH COLLECTION..."

"TODAY'S HUG TOPIC IS: 'SURVIVORS OF HORSEFLY BITES'. ANYONE WHO OBJECTS IS INSECURE AND YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT. LIKE, RIGHT NOW."

"EACH WINNER WILL RECEIVE A 4 DAY/3NIGHT TRIP ABOARD THE USS SWEET MAMA DOUG, AS WELL AS FREE HOT SAUCE AND A PAPER BAG OF THONGS."

"QUICK-- SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT A HUSKY IS (BOSS IS ASKING ME)!"

"ONCE INSIDE THE HUT OF BEWILDERMENT, THE FIRST THING YOU'LL NOTICE IS THE DISTINCT SENSATION OF A HEDGEHOG WRIGGLING ACROSS YOUR KNUCKLES-- THEN YOUR LIPS."

"ONE TIME, I INJURED MYSELF LOOKING AT A DUSTY MAP, BUT I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE CUZ I'M SO PROUD."

"ON WEDNESDAY, LYNN'S PRIUS ACHIEVED FULL SENTIENCE, INTRODUCED ITSELF AS "COREY", AND DROVE OFF A CLIFF."

"OK, DON'T GET MAD, BUT I'M IN THE BREAKFAST NOOK WITH A HUGE HUNK OF NONFAT WIFEY PIE."
 

"SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE SUCH A KOOK-- CRYING OVER CRYSTALS AND LESBIAN iBOOKS."

CHANT- Repeat the magical phrase: "I'm going away now in this jug of Muscle Milk, and I'll NEVER come back."