WARNING:
THE FOLLOWING SLORCH IS FOR ILLUSTRATION PURPOSES ONLY.

MONTH OF TRENCH HAG

Wow – this will be a deeply happy or miserable month, like it or not. Maybe you love your heart, maybe you do not. Maybe someone lied and said he would buy pork, not much, but just enough. Any then he never did. Sound familiar? It should. You dreamed it ten years ago, and it’s about to happen again. Relax, grab a healthy shake, and watch out because the details are coming into focus:

The 1st of the month is usually not when you should be seen on a road. Stay on the couch or suffer. If you must work, do so in the forest. It will not be easy, but you have no choice. Eventually your ashes will stir and you will begin to feel unique. You are changing. Do not tell anyone. Roads are safe now.

The moon will shift to the prom quadrant on the 8th. That is fine. It means you will have to look normal, or get lost. You can handle this. It does not mean get emotional. But do not talk about giant knuckles punching everything. You are sick and weird. Crawl out of your burrow, get a little clean wind, and pretend to like it. Lying is part of life too.

Between the 11th and the 13th, cosmic pigs will take up residence in a bush somewhere. This could bring a few more losers to your life. Get creative. What happens when you leave a mezze platter over a concealed shaft by the door? Either way, you may find yourself in pretty poor health and preoccupied with slammin’ beers. Don’t worry, this is just fate disappointing you. The damage is done, so be glad you still have some pleasant memories.

The 19th – what a spectacular date! Cash spirits are drawn to combinations of 1 and 9, which is good because it brings money, sports coats, and expensive cocaine. This is a time to take your family’s wallet and never see them again. Or maybe you would like to sell a finger or two. The best offer may come from an unlikely source – an old man sniffing oily rags in a cave. But if his eyes are obstructed by a ponytail – keep moving!

Cockroaches love soap suds, and soap suds crave roach attention, but sometimes they slam together in a weird way. This is bound to rumple your coital house around the 21st of the month. Yes, sex will be cozy and wonderful, but does it feel like you are bedding spoiled fruit? Are you curled up in the tub feeling chilly, crippled, and raw? Sure, hiding in the bathroom for a few years might sound nice, but you cannot live off old toilet water and mice. This is bad. You can understand that. When you are ready, look at the old one, your lover. They may have corn teeth, and frighten you very much. But can they clean up with hot water from time to time? Must love and nausea be exclusive? In other words, get out of the bathroom and be a happy family until somebody dies. Remember, old age is perfect. So have a great time.

Just when you think you can hop in a crystal and feel good, you can’t. Major sores intensify around the 26th. Get tissues because the truth is sloppy: no one wants to be in this world. It’s full of bad ideas, dirt, and very little security. Time to shed your old cheese skins and slip into an urn. Nobody will be surprised. Do not think that we will talk about you once you are gone. Everything that has ever happened will be buried with you in a pit. No sunlight for you. This phase is all about the afterlife – priests, books, and dust everywhere. Maybe you will find yourself in chains, drunk on blood. Or maybe a mummy piles giant stone blocks on top of you, and warns you not to move. The point is, you are toast. Hire a shaman to escape.

Do not be happy until the 30th. After that point, cut loose. The universe knows you are a maggot, and does not expect much from you. So go ahead and make some mistakes. Who cares? Grease up your thighs and roll through old bandages. Smoke a couple termites because those things are like magic. Basically, anything could go well. But whatever you do, stay away from strange cattle and wise guys. A creepy voice in the dark once said, “everything is full of scorpions.” You don’t want to learn the hard way…