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Squishy Eye Daily Slorch
Jun 5 - Jul 0
You will wilt and die, Squishy Eye. Alone. Shattered and miserable. With the trash truck en route to collect your soul, these last few moments could very well be the highlight of your day. “UR LIFE SUX” – who said that? The woods – when it refused to host your carcass! Hence the trash truck. But before you shake your head in disbelief, here’s a little advice: the woods wants what the woods wants. So relax, you’re not the first person it's turned down, and you certainly won’t be the last. On a lighter note – tomorrow’s the first day of no you.
Deals for Squishy Eye
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Based on your daily slorch preferences, you may enjoy ↓
Screw Daily Slorch
Jul 21 - Oct 22
Uh oh! The loser police just put out an APB for all single folks over 30! Unless you want to serve a life sentence for hopeless inadequacy, you'd better find someone to shack up with, QUICK! What about that ex who gave you a black eye? Or maybe you know a special lady that could stash you in a sad man cave, for the next 40 years. What about that thing over there - does it have a pulse? Can you legally marry it? Chop chop!
Deals for Screw
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Twist Tie Daily Slorch
Wintertime etc.
Does it feel like you're the only one holding the ceiling up? You are. The previous owners of your house "forgot" to disclose a major structural problem, and now your spine is the closest thing to a load bearing wall. You’ve got a plan for that rotten roof, but maybe you need to reframe your outlook too. Aren’t sinkholes just part of life? Who says doors and windows need to be operable? Is roasting alive in a housefire really a horrific death, or just a healthy dose of “old house charm”? ATTN: Leave now, before you’re the guest of honor at a future archeological dig.
Deals for Twist Tie
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Pocket Mint Daily Slorch
Mar 4 - Mar 19
Gifts are precious, Pocket Mint. But have you gotten enough lately? You know what they say: you've gotta gift if you want to be gifted! Now’s a great time to reach out to those you know (or don't know) with an emotional contract – the obligatory gift-giving ritual. It doesn't matter how useless, irrelevant, or unwanted your presents are, the point is to lay the ground work for a steady return of profits. Remember, it's the guilt that counts!
Deals for Pocket Mint
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Wrapper Daily Slorch
Mar 20 - May 11
Wow, Wrapper. There's a powerful force working to undermine your sanity today: morning people. These gasbags are here to stay, so make the best of the situation. Help shape the conversation with a predatory stare, or a belch. By 9am, they’ve had plenty of time to unleash their emotional contagion on others. So do your thing, and feel no remorse. Tap into your primal nature and smash everything in sight. Don't stop. You'll discover a world where no one wants to be near you.
Deals for Wrapper
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Wishbone Daily Slorch
May 12
“ GO HERE. DO THIS. WHAT’S NEXT? I NEED THIS. AND THAT. YOU NEED THAT. DON’T DO THAT. CAN I HAVE THAT? DOES ANYONE NEED THIS? DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS? WHO LIKES THIS AND THAT? OH, THERE’S SUCH-AND-SUCH. ARE THEY DOING THAT? SHOULD I DO THAT? ATTENTION: WE’RE DOING THAT. DONE. ARE YOU DONE TOO? WHAT NEEDS TO GET DONE? WHAT ELSE? THINGS? CONSENSUS? YES. BUT NO? ”
Sound familiar? Admit it: you’re trapped in a beta wave loop. The good news: as the only existence you’ve ever known, it’s comfortable. The bad news: there’s no (legal) cure.
Deals for Wishbone
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