YOUR DAILY FORECAST
Hang on – We're in for a Dank Ride!
A sizeable pocket of foul gas will continue to elevate record-high temperatures ruining everything, including the world. Yes, even the coastal cities. Simply put, it’s going to feel like a hot trunk full of wet diapers.
You can thank your grandparents for a plume of asbestos dust moving through the area today, but fortunately an approaching measles outbreak will show up just in time to distract everyone. And just a heads up for good Samaritans: if you're thinking of checking in on that older friend or relative, they're already dead, so you might want to rethink your route to work today.
By noon everything is moving along nicely into a lake of fire with reports of crowds still shopping for dumb things to talk about. Look for spotty wine tastings in the area. Later in the day, driving conditions will be intolerable as a no-pressure vape front collides with a pile of paleo food containers strewn across the freeway. But all that exhaust should make for beautiful sunsets somewhere else!
As we move into the evening, temperatures are predicted to drop one-fourth of a degree, and it sure as heck will feel like we got off easy, even if our eyes are crispy and unusable. There is little doubt people will still eat supper despite how toasty they feel, and drunkenness will be necessary to sleep. Of course, this means a higher probability of improperly discarded dinner bones. These conditions are, historically, known to drive scorpions, mosquitos, mice, and maybe a mountain lion into your home. That doesn’t bode well for anyone planning to wake up tomorrow. No surprises there!
A nice headache is on the way for this weekend. Can’t rule out nausea and skin sores, but don’t be surprised if that metallic mouth taste sticks around for a month or two. Lots of uncertainties!
